It's Not the Light at the End that Matters

Hola amigos,

It's been some time since I shared my thoughts on this blog. Some random thoughts follow...
In light of my crisis of faith and the fact that some friends are going out/have gone out into the working world, lately, I've been thinking about life. Of course, if there ain't no crisis of faith and God is revealing his marvelous plans for my life to me, these questions would not have been popping up.

But the problem is, I don't really know what I'm living my life for. I would love to believe that there is a purpose in my life, no matter what that purpose is. Purpose is so important because without it, life becomes aimless, purposeless (duh), and meaningless. I'm guessing that many deviants and terrorists do what they do because they need a purpose (or two) in their lives. I think that reasonable people need a purpose in life. Now, I don't mean any of the trivial purposes that pop up along the grid of our lives such as completing pri, sec, JC and uni so that we can find a good job etc, or finishing NS so that we can enter uni and carry on with our lives, or even just studying hard so that we can get good grades. The purpose of our lives cannot be just getting good grades for a good job to earn good money - so what when the money starts rolling in? Yeah I guess I won't be saying this if I'm finally in the driver's seat of a beta version 3.0 of the Lambo Murcielago that Luke and I spied on at Holland V. But I fear the time when I'm either stuck in a job that barters my life for money or when the Murcielago no longer offers the marginal utility that makes up its purpose. I don't know, perhaps I'll try going sky-diving then.

What I'm talking about here is a larger purpose in life which is the pacemaker that subtly but faithfully propels our lives in a certain direction and fashion. Is there such a purpose? If there is, it can be a pre-conceived purpose that God or destiny has already decided or it can be a purpose that takes its shape along the way as one fashions it through the interaction of his consciousness and the vicissitudes of life. I don't know and I hope to find the answer.

Anyway, on a slightly different but related strain, I realize that the light at the end of the tunnel that I've hitherto been envisioning is not what I should be looking towards and focusing on. Even if I can't find the answers I'm looking for, the gift of mortal life is something that I am very grateful for. Life is like a day-pass to an amusement park that I've won from a lucky draw. Well, when I'm using a day-pass at the amusement park, I often tend to focus on taking all the rides possible and chalking up an impressive record of rides. But I guess it's the experience of each and every ride that counts, even for the rides that suck. Even if the end of the day means going home and nothing was really accomplished, perhaps I would be happy if I did seize the day and made every ride experience count. Perhaps it's the shafts of light that escape into tunnel along the way that matters and not the light at the end. Why enjoy the light at the end for that fleeting, glaring moment when we can appreciate and bask in the rays of light that permeate the entire tunnel as we make our inevitable crawl to the end?

Oh yeah, and by the way, skooooooool's out for summer!

Cheerios amigos

I 'need' money

Some say that the line dividing necessity and desire is more often that not, blurry. How true that is. Last time, I would never consider staying in any hotel below the Hilton standard. But more recently, I've somehow managed to put myself through the ordeal of staying in hostels when I travel. The same, right now, goes for flying economy class, which I'd normally not consider taking. As a matter of fact, I've just endured a harrowing 12 hour journey on economy to London. You might say I should be grateful for the opportunity to fly, but this is impossible when I fly for free, and am upgradable to first. As Darwin says, adaptation is the key to survival. This brings me to my point.. there are certain things which I would rather not adapt to, even though I can.

To do the things I want to do, I need money man. Alot of money. This means my lazy self needs to adapt to various cockup things like waking up at 7am everyday and slogging away in a cubicle. Effectively, I'm bartering my lack of choices/material comforts for a hardcore life. Well, it might be worth it since the light at the end of the tunnel is bright. Think nobu, l'atelier, french laundry, marriot hotel (which I can enter without gatecrashing), belvedere mykonos, $30 salads, etc.

Before that, I need to stop thinking of all the kool places to visit and big style restaurants to dine at. Instead, I am going to end this entry here and continue writing my essay. Cocked up and Fucked up. That's all I've to ramble in this short break here. I've taken 5 (perhaps 7) and goodbye.
-Kendaman